Sony PS3 GTAV Special Edition Out Of Box Experience…

…sucks.

I wish I’d taken pictures. It’s so bad it’s almost comical.

First impressions — initial screens were horribly ugly and had badly anti-aliased text.

Then, the device didn’t detect it was plugged into a HD TV automatically — I had to tell it. The screens henceforth were nicer, but not consistent or polished. (XBox 360 is much snazzier.)

When I turned on the device, it required me to enter a bunch of information (e.g. date and time) which it could have obtained online if it had simply requested network login information first. Duh.

Initial configuration involved using multiple keyboard interfaces, one like a cellphone (multiple presses per character) and another with a more conventional layout that nevertheless was idiotic (e.g. highly inconvenient access to the @ symbol when entering email addresses).

Oh, and then it needed to download an update.

Every game I’ve played on the device, including the GTAV that came bundled with it, needs to download and install an update before it will run. The downloads are ridiculously slow and you’re repeatedly told (a) that they can’t be done in the background (why not?) and (b) not to interrupt them. (I’m writing this diatribe while I wait for LittleBIGPlanet 2 to patch itself into functional form. To be fair, most of the patches don’t take especially long, but this one is glacial.)

Every app I’ve downloaded from the menus (e.g. Netflix and Amazon Prime) immediately needed to be updated immediately after installation (and did not do so automatically, so I go off to grab a coffee or whatever, and come back to a screen requiring me to click a button to update the damn software).

When you start a game or launch an app, the screen goes blank (as in the PS3 stops sending out a video signal) for several seconds. It’s just ugly and clumsy.

Once you’re in a game, it’s a pretty nice machine except for the constant squeaking of the optical drive.

Finally — note that this is the new slimline 500GB PS3. Maybe the older, bigger, more expensive PS3 was a better put together piece of kit, but I assume it had the same lousy software. It’s quite noisy and pumps out a significant amount of hot air. In terms of build quality, it feels shoddy compared to me original Sony PS2 or my newer slimline PS2, or my XBox 360 — let alone a Mac Mini, say. I don’t know if it’s designed to stand vertically, but there are no affordances such as rubber feet.

Oh, and it’s very easy to knock the power button (which is mounted on the front edge of the device). I’ve accidentally toggled off the power mid-game twice already.

Seriously, this is a piece of shit compared to current Apple hardware, let alone software. I hope the PS4 is better (my several year old XBox 360 is a freaking masterpiece compared to the PS3 in terms of user experience).

A Little Privacy

Securing data from prying eyes is pretty much a solved problem. PGP is just as good as ever. So all you need to do to receive communications securely from another person is to create a PGP Private/Public key pair, broadcast your public key (hint — it’s shorter) to anyone who might want to contact you, and then decrypt incoming messages using your private key on the way in.

This only addresses security. Authentication is a separate issue, possibly just as important, and if anything harder to address (because it involves trusting third parties), and I won’t deal with this. Privacy is plenty to deal with right now.

So we’ve heard that secure communications providers are shutting down or destroying their servers rather than surrender to demands from the US government (NSA, FBI, CIA? We don’t know which branch or branches because they’re not allowed to say — lovely, huh?). What demands might these service providers be concerned about?

  • Surrender private keys (why would they even have these)
  • Install malware on their servers or on users’ machines (why would a secure email provider install any software on its users’ machines?)
  • Help surveil users (e.g. notify government agency when a specific user addresses his/her mail)
  • Monitor metadata (e.g. while the body of an email might be encrypted, the header information has to be plaintext).

Can you think of other things?

There’s a recent thriller (you probably haven’t heard of it — it tanked at the box office) starring John Cusack called Numbers Station. The idea is that the CIA maintains a network of shortwave broadcast stations that send out encrypted messages to sleeper agents. To do this they need a specially trained cryptographer and a network of highly fortified shortwave transmitters. Or something. It’s a stupid, stupid premise. (But not as bad as 2012.)

Let’s suppose we want to communicate with field agents securely. Well, before leaving HQ our field agent creates a private/public key pair and leaves the public key behind. He/she secretes the private key on his/her person (committing it to memory is probably impossible, so it might be in a tiny subcutaneous LED projector!) and then goes on his/her merry way, having told his/her handlers to post messages on usenet using his/her public key. There’s no other step required.

Now, how do we handle authentication? Hey, I said this wasn’t about authentication! In any event, same way we handle it using any other less secure communication channel. Perhaps authentic messages are agreed to end with “Signed Bob” or “The peanut walks by night”. Doesn’t matter — we’re talking about security not authentication.

How does Double Secret Agent VII find the publicly posted messages on usenet? Any number of ways. Perhaps they’re in messages entitled “but I like wesley” on alt.wesley.crusher.die.die.die. Perhaps they’re embedded in the comment tags of PNG images posted on alt.sex.donkeys. It doesn’t matter.

Heck, you could just use mailinator. Want to email Double Secret Agent VII? Send an email to [email protected] and use the correct key. Done.

The beauty of the usenet example is that thousands of people will be downloading the message accidentally as a matter of course, and the message will be automatically distributed to thousands of servers whether anyone reads it or not. I really don’t know how PRISM, et al, would help against a determined, competent opponent communicating this way. This is probably why PGP had the US Government so riled up back in the 90s.

So, what about losing track of Agent VII? Simple. You’re Control (or whatever). If a communications channel is compromised (e.g. Kaos figures out you’re posting messages as EXIF data in pornographic images and deletes them or posts confusing spam) then Agent VII can use the Control’s public key to phone home. It’s not complicated.

So, here’s my modest suggestion for creating a secure replacement for email that everyone can use, and which can be gradually migrated to.

  1. set up a standard mail server.
  2. configure it to bounce any email that appears not to be encrypted using PGP with a message saying “if you want to contact [email protected] then use [email protected]’s public key to encrypt the message and provide your own public key so a secure response can be sent” and provide a link to a web page for securely sending such emails if the person doesn’t want to.
  3. outgoing emails are decorated with a public key for securely replying to the sender.
  4. account holders can have any number of handles (“email addresses”) associated with a given public key. They can access their email simply by asking for it. (Either there’s no passwords or everyone has the same password.)
  5. the server holds public keys so it can send the messages in item 2 (and provide a convenient system for sending the messages).
  6. Provide a simple to use web-based client for the service (which does all its encryption / decryption client-side) and provide links to a number of alternative open source clients. Make all the clients as transparent as possible.
  7. Provide a web-based client that deals only in encrypted data. (I.e. requires the user to manually extract and decrypt incoming messages, and encrypt outgoing messages.)
  8. Pay for all of this by charging a small amount (say $0.01) for each message sent to a user. (This is Bill Gates’s proposed solution to spam from way back, and if we’re going to migrate off email, we might as well cash in that idea.) Any profits could be donated to MSF, or the campaign to drown Jenny McCarthy in cat vomit.

Now, practically speaking, we could use passwords simply to prevent nuisance denial of service attacks, but we’d have absolutely no problem giving those passwords to anyone who showed up to our office in a sufficiently impressive suit, or driving a big enough SUV.

So, this gives us a pretty secure email system that is fairly interoperable with existing email systems (modulo requiring users “outside” the system to opt into using it, at least to contact its users) and which doesn’t hold any private information or keys at all. Heck, it can simply expose all of its data to Google. (Indeed, it could keep its code repositories exposed so that suspicious users could review changes to its codebase.) Now, it can’t be used with idiotic services that send you your login details, but you can either use another email service (e.g. gmail or mailinator) for those or implement a cryptographic bridge (e.g. if you subscribe using an email address prefixed with “insecure-” then it might do the encryption serverside for you.

Note that as described, the system doesn’t conceal metadata. So if [email protected] sends [email protected] orders to assassinate that pesky reporter, the fact that such a communication occurred (if not its content) is stored on the server. Of course, you could use the web client to anonymously send and/or receive the message, and use Tor to avoid leaving too much of a trace of having done that, but it’s kind of inconvenient, so normal people won’t do it very often. A normal person wants an email client that Just Works (this can provide that) and to exchange email with other people (this can get you there).

The proposed system provides end-to-end encryption of message content without the server needing to store any private keys and would allow all key components of the system to run in the browser (and thus have openly inspectable runtime code that could be monitored for changes). But it won’t stop the NSA from hitting you with a $5 wrench until you tell them where you keep your private key.

It’s time for a change: Adobe jumps the shark

Grant will get you one month of Adobe Creative Cloud with an annual commitment
Grant will get you one month of Adobe Creative Cloud with an annual commitment

I love Adobe and its products, despite their eccentric UIs, awful installers, and the mystery that is Bridge. The fact is Adobe knows its shit and does it better than anyone else. However, while for many years I considered myself a “power user” of Photoshop and competent enough with Illustrator, the capabilities of Photoshop have long outstripped my needs, and Adobe’s marketing team has done a remarkable job of alienating me with pricing shenanigans.

My first experience with Adobe Software was learning to use Illustrator 88 in a production environment — mainly tracing logos. I was introduced to Barneyscan (the program that became Photoshop) when the multimedia startup I joined acquired a Barneyscan Slide Scanner. We soon discovered that Barneyscan was actually a very capable graphics program that was better for handling 24-bit color images such as scanned photographs than anything else on the market.

Then Fractal Painter and Color Studio came out and, briefly, it was a three horse race. When Photoshop introduced, in quick succession, a better implementation of Painter’s layers and editable text layers, the competition fell by the wayside. Other competitors, e.g. Macromedia’s ill-fated xRes, the amazing Live Picture, and Microsoft’s Expression Studio, came and went.

Despite its many virtues, I couldn’t justify buying my own copy of Photoshop until it started being bundled with scanners. I literally paid $500 for a scanner and didn’t use the scanner in order to get Photoshop 4. Adobe’s upgrade pricing led to my upgrading Photoshop as each new version came out until Adobe got me to upgrade to Creative Suite for not much more than the cost of just upgrading Photoshop, but then made further upgrades horribly expensive (and also made skipping versions very expensive). My last CS purchase was CS4 Web Pro academic (I was working for a University at the time) just after Adobe announced that anyone buying CS4 would receive a free CS5 upgrade.

Over the years, Adobe’s other applications rose and fell in my esteem. I used Premiere for years, and once found After Effects to be an unbeatable combination of power and usability — I haven’t touched either in years, and Apple’s $50 Motion does everything I need. (Indeed, I don’t have any use for Final Cut Pro, either.)

Now Adobe is essentially offering us three options: pay $50/month to get access to all Adobe software, pay $20/month to get access to Photoshop (both require one year commitments, it’s higher if you go month-to-month), or somehow get academic pricing for $20/month to get everything. The plans also come with 100GB of cloud storage (which would cost you $10/month on its own from Dropbox — of course Dropbox’s 100GB is a lot more flexible).

So for me, that means it’s time to kiss Adobe good-bye. (Except for Adobe Ideas of course — I love Adobe Ideas.)

Alternatives to Adobe’s key products

  • Photoshop: Acorn (Mac), Photoline (Mac/Windows), Pixelmator (Mac), Paintshop Pro (Windows), Painter (Mac/Windows)
  • Illustrator: Inkscape (Mac/Windows/Linux), iDraw (Mac), CorelDRAW (Windows), Intaglio (Mac), Lineform (Mac), Artboard (Mac), ZeusDraw (Mac), EasyDraw (Mac)
  • Dreamweaver: a good text editor (e.g. BBEdit (Mac), Sublime Text (Mac/Windows), Vim) or web-centric IDE (e.g. Webstorm (Mac/Windows), Coda(Mac))
  • Fireworks: no direct replacements that I know of, but UI-oriented graphics apps like Sketch (Mac) seem like replacements to me.
  • InDesign: Pages (Mac), TeX or Latex (Mac/Windows/*nix) or even Quark XPress (Mac/Win).
  • After Effects: Motion (Mac), or one of the fire-related products (Inferno, Flame, Flint, Combustion, Smoke, etc.)
  • Edge: haven’t used it, but I’m guessing something like Hype (Mac) or learn to use CSS and jQuery.

Chances are, if you’re a hardcore InDesign or After Effects user, you probably pay Adobe $600/year for the privilege and the new pricing policy doesn’t faze you. The problem you need to worry about is just how badly is Adobe going to hurt itself by its new pricing policy, because I suspect that the new pricing policy will convince a lot of people to live without Adobe for as long as possible, which will turn out to be forever.

Adobe is bucking a big trend — software is getting cheaper and more powerful — and a major perception issues — most people hate recurring expenses. See, I can splurge on a big software purchase because I’m flush with cash or have a big check coming in or some kind of weird justification. I don’t think of a $2000 camera purchase as, say, $55/month based on my using the camera for three years. No, I think of it as “can I afford a $2000 camera?” If you tried to sell me a camera that was just as good as my $2000 camera for $55/month with a one year commitment, I’d probably laugh at you. Do I need to pay as much for my camera as I do for cable internet? No way!

I strongly suspect this move by Adobe will be catastrophic. At this point in their old marketing cycle they’d be offering free upgrades to any new buyers of CS6 — instead they will at most be getting a few $50/month subscriptions. Next, they’d be offering time-windowed discounts on the new suite once it shipped. That’s not going to happen. So at best they get slightly more money than they’d have gotten with their old model, only spread out over twelve months. How likely does anyone think this is? I suspect they’ll instead get less money spread over a longer period. And they run the very significant risk of simply losing customers the way, say, Netflix did with its Quickster fiasco. My CS works fine, I’ll think about the Adobe cellphone plan when I need to. The difference here is that, as far as I can tell, time isn’t on Adobe’s side the way it, arguably, was with Netflix. Streaming video on demand is the way of the future, so Netflix (and Hulu) can probably afford to stumble. Adobe is the king of print media and web worst practices — it probably can’t afford too many mistakes.

RAW Deals

Red Panda curled up in tree

I’m pretty paranoid about my RAW photos. I keep them (and a lot of other stuff) backed up locally (albeit in desultory fashion) and in the cloud via Crashplan. My initial backup took nearly three months, but once I got over that hump it’s pretty much seamless and my computers are usually only an hour or two ahead of backups (unless I leave them in sleep mode for days, which I do — but it’s not like data are being created while they’re asleep).

Flower Chloe Loewald — Tornado Survivor

My own history of failure

Three years ago I worked with some former colleagues and friends on a startup called Photozen and later PurePhoto. The domain still exists, but it’s become a online photo art dealership (I was also involved in that pivot — I implemented the initial data migration by building a hack tool for consuming PurePhoto’s data from specific photographers’ accounts and pushing it to Shopify.)

But, at the time, we avoided dealing with RAWs despite the fact that, in my opinion, that’s where the real opportunity lies. There’s a lot of mythology surrounding RAW files — I’ve just had an email exchange with the redoubtable Thom Hogan (a very smart guy who, after an illustrious career in hi-tech, is making a good living as a pro photographer, which is no mean feat) over the importance of knowing how to set white balance on your high-end digital camera.

Acorn's UI wrapped around Apple's RAW converter — see that temperature slide?
Acorn’s UI wrapped around Apple’s RAW converter — see that temperature slider?

In my opinion as a RAW shooter there is almost no importance in memorizing this operation — I can second-guess the Auto-WB setting later. On the rare occasion when I need to shoot JPEG (e.g. to optimize my use of the continuous shooting buffer) I can figure it out, but it’s not that common. Thom is under the impression that white balance drives the exposure meter which determines the quality of RAW capture. I can’t verify this experimentally (my experiments indicate otherwise) and it doesn’t make sense to me (as I understand it, Nikon polls an RGB sensor array and then fuzzy-matches the result to an image database to calculate exposure meters — why you’d want to put a white balance calculation in the middle of that escapes me).

Of course Nikon doesn’t help us by using a proprietary and encrypted RAW file format (the actual image data is accessible, but the metadata — which bears directly on a discussion like this — is encrypted). In any event, there’s this mystical attachment to the original RAW file, as though it contains secret sauce, when in fact it’s just a bunch of floating point values that can be “losslessly” converted into some other format (e.g. DNG) or quasi-losslessly converted into — say — lower resolution pixel-binned images (suppose you want to keep dynamic range, but don’t need resolution). As far as I can tell, demand for tools that deal with RAW files intelligently is so low that such tools do not exist, but they’re perfectly doable.

Cheetah

Everpix

So along comes a really neat looking startup called Everpix which promises to solve every photographer’s most annoying workflow problem — unifying all those different silos of photos under one management umbrella. Upload a photo to your iPad, snap a photo on your iPhone, dock your camera to your Mac Pro, every device you own can access every photo.

And they even promise to do things like figure out which shots are in near-identical sequences and automagically pick the best one, and automatically detect incorrect exposures and blurry shots so you don’t need to sort them out.

Of couse it only does this with JPEGs. Grrrr.

Aside: after writing this post, I discovered that — apparently — Everpix can’t upload from my main Aperture library. I also did some Googling to see if anyone else has figured this out — Adobe Revel makes no mention of RAW files even in its FAQ (seriously, no-one wonders about RAW backup to the cloud?) and SugarSync (which looks very similar to Everpix) also makes no mention of RAW support anywhere. My guess, if you’re studiously not mentioning it anywhere on your website, you aren’t dealing with it.

Look guys. You’ve gotten me to install your software on every machine I own. You can see the darn files. How about (a) figuring out which images are blurred or underexposed before you upload them, or (b) using the metadata I’ve provided (e.g. which photos I’ve given star ratings or bothered to fine-tune). This will help filter signal from noise and with the insane amounts of bandwidth you save you can upload the damn RAW files.

Note that I proposed this exact idea to my colleagues working on PurePhoto and it was set aside for after release. (Release never really happened.) Here’s the thing — I don’t need a better image editor. I don’t need a tool for sorting my pictures into folders. I really don’t care about JPEGs because those are “prints”. I can replace them. I need to deal with baggigabytes of photos, 90% of them crap, and I need it to be seamless and handle RAW.

A typical RAW file is three times larger than the corresponding “fine” JPEG. So, support RAW files and figure out a way to avoid uploading 70% of the images and you’re ahead. You’re way ahead because now you’re doing something useful.

Here’s another way of looking at it: if you save 100% of my JPEGs you’ve done nothing useful. If you save 90% of the RAW files I care about (missing 10% because your filter algorithm is imperfect) you’ve done me a huge, huge service, and I can become smarter about finessing your algorithm and you can improve your algorithm over time.

Go forth and implement something useful.

The Walking Stupid

"Brains!"

Spoilers everywhere!

A couple of my wife’s grad students put me onto The Walking Dead, an AMC TV show* about a small town sheriff’s deputy who is badly wounded in a shootout, falls into a coma, and then wakes up in a world overrun with zombies. Eventually, he joins and quickly assumes leadership of a rag-tag, ethnically diverse band of survivors — although as of the end of season one, I think they’re all out of black and brown people.

This rant is based on watching the first season on Netflix. Let me just say, from the outset, that I found this show utterly compelling despite all the complaints that follow. It’s very well-made, well-cast, well-acted, and the story works well (too well sometimes) at an emotional level. It’s also possibly most intensely gory thing I have ever seen (and I’m a Cronenberg fan), but hey, it’s a zombie story.

Note: right now AMC is responsible for Mad Men, Breaking Bad, and The Walking Dead which, by my count, puts it ahead of HBO in terms of compelling original content for the moment.

What is it with zombies?

The world of The Walking Dead is, as far as we can tell at the end of season one, pretty much completely overrun. In the course of the first season the survivors have never picked up a radio transmission from anyone else. The thing that bugs me more and more as the series progresses is just how stupid absolutely everyone had to have been in order for the characters to: (a) have gotten into their predicament, (b) be in their predicament, and (c) remain in their predicament. It particularly bugs me because I find the story so compelling and like many of the characters so much and I feel sad when they die, and yet their problems could so easily have been avoided, mitigated, or solved.

The zombies in The Walking Dead, like zombies in general, defy the laws of physics. As far as we can tell, they can operate on virtually no sustenance for ridiculously long periods of time, and have superhuman strength. (The former fact prevents the human race from taking the obvious approach of waiting them out.) But zombies are slow, unperceptive, and stupid. (They can’t operate vehicles or heavy machinery or use weapons — they can, however, turn doorknobs. Ominously.) It seems that zombies are created by humans being “infected”, generally by being bitten by another zombie. (Reading ahead in the Wikipedia article on the graphic novels on which the series is based, this seems to be at least slightly incorrect, but the actual vector has not been revealed.) Whatever the cause of the zombie plague, it doesn’t appear to be terribly contagious, and it’s not like someone is going to transform from healthy human to zombie fast enough to catch anyone by surprise (a corpse can come back to life in as little as three minutes, we discover in the final episode the end of season one).

So, how the heck did this get out of hand?

  • Only dead people become zombies. Until you’re dead, you’re not turning into a zombie. (I suppose it could have infected some living people originally but everyone still alive is immune. But there’s zero evidence for this.)
  • Zombies are easily identified (e.g. they can’t talk); all the zombies we’ve seen so far look gross, but that may have to do with how they died; perhaps early on some zombies looked OK.
  • Zombies are slow moving (again, their weird gaits may be an artifact of how they died, but they don’t seem to move like living people)
  • Zombies can’t use tools or drive vehicles
  • Zombies are easy to cripple, but it requires a hit on the brainstem to “kill” them; assuming the characters live in a world without zombie fiction they may not have known, initially, that you need to hit the brain stem, but it seems like a pretty obvious thing to try, and zombies are easy targets. So it’s simply implausible to imagine trained soldiers with military gear having any real trouble with them.
  • Zombies appear to be a lot stronger than people (but it’s TV/comics so strength varies with situation) — still let’s assume they’re pretty damn strong

The cliche, of course, is that zombies shuffle around, arms outstretched, rasping the word “Brains!” But in The Walking Dead, the zombies say nothing, and it’s the living who desperately need brains.

What happened to the police?

Over and over we see cases where people supposedly made a heroic last stand against apparently overwhelming numbers of zombies. I don’t get it. As of 2006, according to answers.com, there were just under 700,000 police officers in the USA. Assuming the police aren’t immediately turned into zombies that’s 700,000 people sworn to uphold and protect, and carrying around — let’s be conservative — one fully loaded pistol, at least one spare clip of ammo, a shotgun (with extra ammo), and probably a rifle (with extra ammo) each. (Incidentally, I did a little research indicates that when you buy a Glock it comes with four clips each holding 15 rounds, many police in the US are being issued AR-15s, typically with two 30 round magazines.) We can conservatively call this 120 rounds of ammo per police officer. That’s 84,000,000 rounds of ammo being carried around by police officers on a daily basis. Now, zombies move slow and don’t shoot back — they’re basically slow moving target practice. So let’s assume 2-3 rounds per zombie. That’s enough ammo to deal with over 20 million zombies with no advance warning or preparation.

And the well-regulated militia?

Now assuming that the police didn’t have to deal with more than twenty million zombies without any warning, there’s the extra ammo in the trunks of their police cruisers, back at the stations, firing ranges, homes, Wal-marts, sporting goods stores, outdoor centers, and so forth. That’s in addition to the heavily armed populace (especially in the South where the story takes place), national guard, and army (much of which is housed in Southern states). Now, if I heard one whiff of zombie apocalypse news I’m heading to my local sporting goods store and getting some guns and a ton of ammo, and in the US there’s a lot to go around. I might add we have a couple months supply of barely edible emergency rations at home just in case of natural disaster along with, conservatively, another couple of week’s supply of food in the pantry and the house is pretty defensible (good lines of sight all round). So exactly how did the national guard and police protecting the CDC get overwhelmed? And how did it get to that in the first place?

Bear in mind, the zombie apocalypse didn’t come with zero warning. (We know this from flashbacks and discussions of what happened between characters.) Some people were caught unaware, but presumably the majority of the police had some warning and thus some time to get more ammo before “SHTF”. So, again, exactly how did the police and military run out of ammo? Bear in mind that guns are really easy to shoot people with if they’re shuffling slowly towards you and you’re not afraid of them shooting back. (I learned about The Walking Dead when we were at paintball — my first time ever — and from a marksmanship point of view I would have no problem head-shotting zombies from a safe distance with a weapon as woefully inaccurate as a rented paintball gun.)

And something that didn’t really strike me until I lived here, but the South is a freaking disaster area. It is subject to regular tornadoes, hurricanes, horrific thunderstorms (if you’ve never seen “blinding rain” you’ve never lived here), and — in winter — ice storms. (Actually it’s still Autumn and we just had a minor ice storm yesterday.) A lot of people here prepare for the worst as a matter of course. After the tornado hit Tuscaloosa earlier this year and caused lots of power outages, the nearest Costco had diesel generators stacked to the ceiling, and sold them all very quickly.

And the easily fortified buildings?

Then there’s the buildings that can easily be secured against physical assault by non-tool-using zombies, like stadiums, banks, post offices, armories, hospitals, jeweler’s stores, high-end apartment buildings, mansions on private islands. Sucks they all got taken out. Then there’s those facilities that have guards, concrete walls, and barbed wire fences surrounding them. You know, like nuclear reactors, and important military bases. How did the zombies take them out? (Consider air force bases in the middle of deserts — relatively isolated, strong active and passive defenses, excellent communications, on-base medical facilities, and lots of weapons and supplies. Exactly how did all of these get taken out?) And bear in mind many military bases house the families of the soldiers on-base or nearby, so there’s not even the “I’m gonna go get myself killed heroically rescuing my loved ones” excuse.

And the folks with armored vehicles?

How do guys in tanks get turned into zombies? Seriously. If it gets that bad, don’t you close the hatch and shoot yourself? I mean really. But hey, wouldn’t you have kept enough fuel in the tank to drive out of town? Or did you maybe let your buddy siphon off your tank so he could try to find his girlfriend in the worst hit part of town? I guess every tank had some guy with a girlfriend in the worst part of town who needed their emergency reserve gas.

An M3 Bradley — we see a lot of them abandoned near heroic last stands — has an operational range of 250-300 miles (it gets about 1.5 miles per gallon) and carries 1500 rounds of machine-gun ammo (did you know machine-guns can fire single shots?). That’s a lot of zombies you can shoot and run over before driving to safety. (I have this vision of a tank crew circling a gas station and leveling all the buildings and flattening all the zombies before rolling up to a pump to refuel.) Remember they move slow and don’t shoot back. Seriously, how did these guys die?

Oh and there’s the abandoned helicopters. You know where helicopters ran out of fuel during the evacuation of Saigon in 1975? Not in downtown Saigon. So many helicopters were landing on the carriers that they were pushing them overboard to make room for more to land. If you have a helicopter and you know how to fly and you’re not an imbecile, your helicopter is not going to be found in the aftermath of a heroic last stand. But maybe you siphoned off the gas for your buddy whose girlfriend was in the worst hit area. That’s the ticket. (Of course some of those helicopters must have inadvertently carried zombies onto warships. Oops!)

And the navy?

Boy, it sure was tough defending nuclear powered aircraft carriers from the zombies. Those last desperate broadcasts from the bridge of the Nimitz as the surviving crew, equipped only with the pitiful weapons available (you know, assault rifles and stuff), struggled to survive as their zombie shipmates beat through metal hatches — designed to stop seawater sinking the ship in case of a hull breach — using, we assume, their heads was awful. Or maybe they starved to death. Whatever. Let’s not even get into the tragic deaths of nuclear submarine crews. Sad, sad times.

And our plans to deal with global thermonuclear war?

We’ll just ignore all the precautions we took against all-out thermonuclear war, like Cheyenne Mountain, designed to withstand direct hits from hydrogen bombs and keep out radioactive fallout. Somehow, the zombies got in. And don’t think too hard about people living on private islands, motor yachts, say. Sometimes you just need to go shopping, I guess. (Should I mention that the kinds of people most likely to live securely also have the best access to comms and independent sources of fuel and power? Shhhh.)

But, OK, somehow because mistakes were made early, often, repeatedly, and by everyone, the situation got totally out of control and then the police and military became demoralized and — OK I give up. Everyone died! Just accept it.

And our other fortified underground bunkers?

But now, the scientists in France and the US who were in fortified underground class 5 research facilities (where you need to wear a double-layered spacesuit in a negative pressure chamber protected by airlocks to do low risk experiments, and work in a glove box or using robotic arms to do high risk experiments) all died because of … power failures? Of course, they had to run out of diesel eventually (although France gets 80% of its electrical power from nuclear but shhhh.) After just a few months? And remember, this disease is not terribly contagious. You can blow a zombie’s brains out at point-blank range and be splashed with rotting gore, blood, and brain matter and not get infected. They could just have moved to the roof of a building to continue their research safely. But, OK, they’re all dead too.

Having survived all those mistakes, we’re still fucking stupid.

Oh, and the survivors’ communications systems suck. They have a total of two walky-talkies, no spare batteries, and don’t even think about satellite phones. (Did the zombies take out our satellites too? It was sure horrible hearing the screams on the International Space Station when a zombie somehow got onboard. Bastards!) Given that the US is awash in gadgets, including hand-cranked radios, solar battery chargers, batteries of all kinds, generators of all kinds, and cheap and extremely capable portable radios this is plain stupid.

The stupid runs deeper though. The ragtag band of survivors chooses, as its base of operations, a small clearing in a forest that can be approached from almost any direction without being seen. (There’s a guy who hangs out all day on top of his trailer, watching for trouble, but not at night.) Shockingly, zombies sneak up on them at night and kill several. Look guys — your enemy is stupid, slow, and restricted to walking (they’ll chin drag if you shoot off their limbs, but won’t choose to crawl for purposes of stealth). Find a place where you can limit approaches and see anyone coming and you won’t be taken by surprise. It’s not like the zombies know how to sneak or rappel down the sides of buildings. In an early episode, our heroes come across a group of survivors operating out of a nursing home in Atlanta, who have fortified their building with whatever materials came in handy such that it has only one entrance. (They’re doing fine, thanks — despite caring for all of the patients in a nursing home) It’s a shame the military, police, national guard, etc. didn’t try to physically barricade vital facilities and people like that, but who would think of such a clever idea? (Incidentally, standard tactics for urban warfare involves turning buses and trams into barricades to block roads.)

You could explain everything a lot more easily if the zombie contagion is much worse or more insidious than we think. It could be airborne. It could infect healthy people, kill them, and turn them into zombies. Initially, zombies might not look different from people — until they bite you. But if these things are true then either it’s a very low risk or our heroes would all be dead by now. And if it’s a very low risk, then it again doesn’t explain anything. OK, perhaps it’s something some people have a natural resistance to, but when you get bitten that natural resistance is overwhelmed. That means that initially aerosol transmission did happen a lot, but if so some people would (a) have remembered this happening, (b) mentioned it at some point, and (c) still be paranoid about it. Just for example, the underground labs full of scientists who devoted their last months to studying the disease but died having gotten nowhere and left no record of any such discoveries.

Oh well, maybe they’ll eventually bump into a group of survivors riding bicycles along interstates, each carrying a walky-talky, rechargeable batteries, solar cell, flare gun, and plenty of ammunition, and keeping in touch with the US Navy via satellite phone. Maybe everyone in Canada is just fine but they can’t be bothered helping the US.

Aaargh!

I’ll try to resist watching season 2.